Hell on High Heels

Since I’ve decided to start blogging more I’ve been keeping a running tab of blog ideas. Today, the only idea I wrote down was “drag queen shoes.” … I’m going to roll with it.

The other day I went to the mall for a pair of tasteful nude pumps to wear to work. By tasteful I mean under 4 inches and not covered in glitter or spikes. This was much harder than I thought it would be. I am six feet tall, my feet (though proportionate to my freakishly long legs and absolutely essential for my balance) are huge.  Tasteful nude pumps do not come in size huge. In fact, the only heels that come in size huge are six inches tall, fuchsia, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they lit up.

I have several theories on why this is.

1. Drag Queens.
I recently attended a bachelorette party at a gay bar. The central dance floor was raised about three feet off the ground so, in order to avoid making eye-contact with the nearest penis (or lack thereof), I lowered my gaze a few feet and spent most of my time admiring the array of stilettos that went prancing by. They were, in a word, fabulous – but in no way tasteful, practical, or even wearable.

Seriously. You expect me to believe there’s a foot in there?

Point being, men are known to have bigger feet than women. Women who do have big feet are most likely already tall and aren’t interested in emphasizing their height by wearing heels. Suddenly drag queens have become the target market for high heels in sizes 10 to 13. And no drag queen would be caught dead in tasteful nude pumps.

2. Paris Hilton.
No girl over six feet tall is interested in wearing six inch heels… except Paris Hilton. Paris, I might add, also has huge feet. So huge, in fact, that she has to have her shoes specially made (or so I heard). Paris Hilton gave tall girls everywhere hope, hope that they could wear fabulous shoes without being mistaken for a skyscraper or a Cyclops from Homer’s Odyssey. Maybe, they think, they’ll be mistaken for supermodels or celebrities. Because of this tall girls everywhere threw their insecurities to the wind, bought the latest red carpet/runway stiletto fashions, wore them out on the town, took them off halfway through the night, walked back to the car barefoot, covered their feet with band-aids, put the shoes carefully on display in their closets, and gazed at them lovingly from time to time… never to wear them again.

3. Rockstars.
Namely Kiss and Motley Crue (in my opinion)…

…two bands that made it not only socially acceptable for men to wear stilettos, they made it sexy. Black leather, metal spikes, and a 4 inch heel just oozes with sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.

The most recent fashion in women’s shoes is basically the 80’s in stiletto form. All women have an inner rock star… or at least an inner groupie. When we wear these shoes we feel powerful, confident, and yeah, a little badass. And underneath all that power strutting in slow motion and 80’s rock montages running through our heads, we feel pain. Pain from forcing our feet into positions that our bones will not allow, pain from accidently catching our ankles on our spike clad heels every other step, and pain in our hearts – yearning to relive the decade that inspired these shoes (okay, maybe that last part is just me).

Sexy? Yes. Tasteful, practical, wearable? No.

Tall girls need shoes too!

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